I made my deliberate
decision to leave.
next few minutes are unclear to me. I know now, in retrospect, that I must have
had a concussion. My next clear memory was standing in the kitchen, facing the
doorway that separated the kitchen from the front room. I don't remember putting
on my legs or where I might have found them. But I was standing in them. I was
dressed in his tee shirt and I was putting on a new little leather jacket that I
had bought earlier that week. I had gotten my very first credit card and bought
was a cigarette smoker back then and I do remember reaching over and picking
them up from the table. I also remember wanting to smoke one so bad...just to
get the taste of blood out of my mouth...just to sit and think and smoke. But I
didn't have that kind of time. I also remember getting my change purse from my
pocket book and putting it into the jacket pocket. I was going to leave.
in one moment, my entire train of thought changed. As I looked at the kitchen
doorway...and into the room, that was now in shambles, I saw all the mess...the
hair, the blood, my urine...blood on the window, torn clothes and furniture
over-turned. An anger grew inside of me. I did nothing to deserve this.
I also remembered the 22 semi-automatic rifle that stood behind the kitchen
door. I could kill him. I walked over to the kitchen door, opened it, and there
it stood...my salvation.... my guarantee of living through the night. That one item
could make the difference in how I lived the rest of my life.
could have my cigarette, wait for him in the kitchen....and when he walks
through the door, I'll blow his %$#@ head off. I'll get him before he gets
a chance to get me. I was nothing, up against him....until now. And I am a
pretty good shot with a gun....Brute and I went rifle shooting on many
occasions....I knew how to shoot a gun.
mean, who could blame me? Look at me....I'm beat all to hell....I'm
defenseless....he could come back here and kill me. It's me or him.
in mind that this whole train of thought went very quickly inside my head....I
was pressed for time. He could be gone for the night....he could be back in a
few minutes.....I could kill him and take my chances in court...or I can try to
make a run for it....and if he finds me, and I can't run....he'll kill me. This
is my best chance of living, but I don't want to live it in jail. If I go to court,
they'll say that it was pre-meditated because we would not be in the throws of a
violent struggle during my shooting of him. That would not be considered
self-defense. Anyone would have understood my situation, but the law is the
law...and I doubt it I would walk away from this.
right there may have been the bravest decision I've ever made....to walk out the
door, leave the gun where I last saw it...and try to escape on my own. I was
very injured and limping...body still weak, and I couldn't deal with
having to take that rifle with me. I would have to rely on myself.
closed the kitchen door, concealing the rifle that stood there since we moved
into the little farm house. I closed the door on my guarantee to live. I closed
the door on a life-time in jail.
walked out the front door of that house and into the dark....still wet, still
bloody, freezing cold, and I could already see my breath.... my heart started
racing and I could feel my own adrenalin explode through my body....the race was
on....I was the prey....wild desperation took over and I was so scared inside that I
wanted to scream...I wanted to vocalize my fear.
I needed to think...use that brain of mine.....think, think.....
walked along that back road. I would take a few steps and then look back. I did
this time and again until I was almost at the end of the property line. There
were trees and bushes along the property line along the road. Up ahead of
me was a turn in the road. Behind me was the tall hill....where any minute I
just knew I'd see the headlights of Brute's truck as it crested the hill. Could
he see me from that far? It was in my favor that the road was not lit, except
for at the turn, which is where I was headed, and the hill that was way behind
me. The night was my cover...my only chance.
breath hung in my throat as I saw the glimmer of light that I feared. No one
traveled this road late at night....it could only be one person...and without
even thinking, I dove into the ditch along the property line...crawled on my
belly until I was behind some bushes...and quickly covered myself with wet
leaves and branches....and it was beginning to rain.
I was in a place where I could see the house really well. I was still on the
property...and that was not sitting well with me. I wanted to be further up the
road than this...I wanted off the property, even if it was only by a few
feet...it would have spelled better freedom for me.
moved more leaves and garbage, and anything I could get, over top of me...I had
to hide. Out of pure fear I began to well with tears... I couldn't stop crying
now...and that made my nose run...and it was blood. I still couldn't breathe
through my nose and breathing through my mouth was not good...not now...I could
still see my breath. There was just enough light here and there to make me
terrified of my own breath being seen. I pulled up the end of the tee shirt and
put it into my mouth to keep my breath from being so noticeable.
I kept my head down near the ground, on the small rise of the ditch, I could see
that indeed, it was him. He pulled into the front yard and I heard his truck
door slam shut and echo through the surrounding woods. I remembered liking the
solitude when we first moved in. Now I cursed it. There was no one close
enough to the house to have ever heard me scream.
could see his silhouette through the house as he went past each
window....slow... at first, and then picking up his pace. I saw different lights
being turned on as he searched for me....and my heart was racing. I felt like a
sitting duck...I was losing hope that I could stay hidden.
as though he
was getting more anxious .....angrier. I could hear him shouting, but couldn't
understand what the words were. I was trembling and very cold....my nose was
dripping blood and running down onto the back of my hands while I held the
tee shirt in place in my mouth. And that wasn't an easy task, as my jaw was
throbbing in incredible pain, and my mouth was swollen and everything hurt so
I saw what made my heart fall ...I actually saw the rifle in his hands as he
headed back to his truck. He had turned on the outside light and I saw that
rifle. God, what did I do wrong? What did
I do? I am going to be hunted and killed
and I don't even know what I've done wrong. What made him so mad at me? I hadn't
even seen him all evening.
held my breath as I watched him climb into his truck and pull out of the front yard.
He headed back towards the direction from which he came...and he was driving
slowly. I saw him stop and then back up...he was using his truck headlights to look
around the fringes of the woods and surrounding areas of the house. Oh, my
God....I won't have a prayer. He'll find me for sure.
watched him do this for a while. Then he turned towards my direction and drove
up the road in normal speed....and I watched him pass me. But my sigh of relief
was short lived.